More on Possibility

When I started this blog – which followed one created many years earlier – the tagline was suggested by a book by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander – entitled The Art of Possibility.  I first met Ben Zander on a TedTalk, where he introduced a bunch of techies to classical music.  The Talk has still maintained one of the highest ratings ever – over two million views. Their earlier book showed how both he and his wife have inspired many to bring out the best possibilities latent within themselves.

The new book, Pathways to Possibility, is even more explicit. Written by Rosamund Stone Zander, a family systems therapist, it resonates with another of my favorites in the field – Ed Friedman.  She unpacks the reality that most of our negative aspects arises from our own experiences as children, and unless we recognize and re-frame such experiences, they play into everything that we do as adults.  We can either recast them as memories – things in our past that no longer have control over us – or see them as part of our continuing story and growing maturity.  Her message is simple but profound.  I have seen this in action when another practitioner in the field helped a woman re-write a negative story and it changed her whole attitude in an instant.

Reading this book – and watching Ben Zander coach his music students on YouTube are excellent lessons for anyone who wants to initiate change – as another wise colleague has said – we have to be the change that we want to see happen.  Try these!

Pathways to Change

(This article - and many others here was originally published on my Site, Dynamic Thinker, in May 2017)

How do we make change happen?  Pathways to Possibility, a book by Rosamund Stone Zander, a family systems therapist and the wife of noted orchestral conductor Ben Zander, has some important reminders.  Transformation, in her view, involves systems or fields rather than CEOs or heroes. But behavior matters.

She focuses on being rather than doing.  While we try to do the right thing, no one has the full picture. Einstein noted that “As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness around it”.  How we act relates to our past experience. Zander describes us as walking stories.

We are affected by what happens to us as children and the strong positive or negative feelings these events evoke.  Both become internalized and part of how we cope.  We bring them into the relationships in our lives, Families and organizations of all sizes become a network of tangled pasts.  We sometimes compare organizations to families and use words like warmth, caring, loyalty and belonging.  But hidden in the family metaphor, says Zander, are control, hierarchy, competition, neglect, coercion and smothering.  Groups of any size may be a living collection of child stories.

As we mature, we may discover on our own that the stories are not valid or universal and no longer apply. Sometimes it takes therapy or life changing events to bring them to the surface.  Zander suggests two strategies to overcome the hurtful experiences – to recognize them as memories located in the past or look at them as stages in our personal development. We don’t have to be stuck in them and entrap others in the process.  We can tell our stories and move on.  She says:

We reconcile by facts and words, we restore through how we relate and how we grow; we inspire through what we build and the art we make; and we cure ourselves by how we care for others and what we give away. In these ways, we bring our hearts into collective resonance and that is where our power lies.

Having dealt with individuals, Zander moves on to larger groupings and the ways we try to change people.  Her list includes management, patience, do as I say, exclusion loving manipulation, bribery and ultimatums.  As a parent and grandparent, I’ve used all of them consciously, if not wisely. It might be less obvious how all of us use them to organizations – but we do.  At a recent meeting, I watched people offer suggestions of what we might do to fix people we thought were less effective in defined roles.  But we excluded ourselves from the picture.

Zander’s insight is no surprise.  If we wish to shift change in an organization, it has to start with ourselves. She calls the process walking into a new story.  It is our being – not our doing – that will make the difference.

Offering good advice is out.  What we need to look for in others is what she terms the infinite self – we know this possibility in ourselves and our task is to see it in someone else.  rather than just look through the lens of our own story.  The task is to see possibility. The result is more likely to be collaboration.

Communication

The adage that a picture is worth a thousand words hit home when I picked up my copy of the publication at the door yesterday.  The artist has made a statement of his own with an exceptionally simple graphic that was probably produced in no time at all.  Meanwhile the press and media parse the story endlessly in ways that shows their bias in endless discussions of the merits of using words like holes or houses.

It's no question that there is a hole in this picture. The other thing that I like about the image is that it asks a question?  Is the person pictured in the sink hole permanently?  Is his job there?  Is he a stand-in for all of us? 

My immediate reaction was to laugh out loud and say - nailed it again.  But on further reflection I don't laugh.  A good image deals with perspective - real or metaphorical.  Everyone is trying to find an answer. What this points to is "What's the question?"

Thinking about leadership

The orchestral conductor, Benjamin Zander, is a frequent business speaker and famous for his TED talk. now viewed by more than eight million people.  Conductors are sometimes viewed as the last of the great dictators.  Zander is different.  He had an epiphany some years ago when he realized that the conductor of an orchestra is has a different role.

The insight transformed his conducting and his orchestral musicians immediately noticed the difference.  Now he’s a leader who asks for input in the form of written comments at every rehearsal.  He understands that the musicians’ skills and experience enhance his own. 

His gifts as a teacher are remarkable too and they are now shared through masterclasses for all of us on YouTube.  The students perform with technical brilliance before he enters in with a consistent message –  it is time to relax and let go of the kind of competitive excellence their preparatory training has provided and instead relate to their audience.  Transformation happens before our own shining eyes.

His passion is for introducing classical music to audiences unfamiliar with it and he does so with incredible skill and experience in connection.  It’s worth seeing him in action. 

The TED talk is one of the most viewed ever.  A recent PBS programme showed another conductor showing a group of medical professionals how musicians work together to produce a unified and effective result. It's ironic when the arts and humanities are treated with with a condescending tone these days that their strengths are nevertheless cited as the direction in which we need to move.

You can watch the recent PBS clip here.

And the Zander tape is well worth your time.

Family Retreat - A Literary Summary

The Setting

The beautiful Pleasant Bay House in Hillier close to several wineries in Prince Edward County - a mini-Sonoma or Niagara Peninsula converted from a farming and lake recreation area to a more sophisticated network of wineries, restaurants and inns.  Two and a half hours from metro Toronto makes it an easy trip.

The Cast of Characters

Three generations - a widowed grandmother and her two sons and their families and two dogs - but with a backstory that means it is a truly modern three generation family.

The grandmother has been a widow for 12+ years - after remarrying the same husband for the second time. The oldest son is also divorced and happily remarried as is his wife. Their children are her son, 21, and their daughter, 13. The second son's wife died more than six years ago and he is joined by his two sons 13 and 10 and his partner of several years. The oldest son's dog is 10 years old and slowing down.  The youngest son's puppy is seven+ months and speeding up.

The Theme - Family Togetherness.

The Plot:

Leaving taking was delayed by a lost wallet and after a fruitless hunt we headed for the crowded superhighway with the hope that a later phone call would reveal that it was left in the pub the night before.  It was. The boring highway was livened by NPR reruns though the cold winter landscape was beautiful. GPS didn't like the location name and insisted it was elsewhere but Google maps showed us the way.   We overshot the house and a sharp turn to come back meant a slide into a snow covered ditch - just as the wide snow plow was approaching. Everything ground to a halt but freeing it was not on. Luckily a pickup truck arrived, went back and brought the tractor to haul it out. The snow plow man didn't mind at all since he was paid by the hour, as he reminded us several times.  We sat down a little late to homemade lasagna and explored the new home environment.

The house was magic - with its glass door wood stove, copious living room windows that let in the bright sunlight of the 19 below zero cold day.  some braver scond generation souls departed to stock the already over-flowing larder while the senior and younger set settled in for an introduction to The Settlers of Catan - the perfect game for the place.  Later we sat down for tacos, newly purchased wine, a word game and another round of Catan.  The two dogs fought for attention and all the benches had to be pushed in to keep the puppy off the dining room table.  The beds soon beckoned with their duvet covers that even allowed us to depart from the slow burning fire.

After breakfast bagels, the next morning started slowly.  More eyes were focused on familiar screens than on the beautiful views - thought the grandmother and the two boys didn't participate - the first because it was a deliberate choice and the second because they were deprived of them.  New participants were introduced to Catan.  A tourtiere for lunch and another winery visit happened.  Supper consisted of an eclectic assortment of leftovers with more word games and one last round of Catan - with lots of reading of  real books by the non participants. After many ins and outs and opening of doors that let in the chill, even the dogs snoozed.

Morning breakfast was Spanish - Huevos - with Mimosas for the adults just to finish off the leftovers. Then it was time to clean up and pack.  One car departed for Toronto with the other stopping to visit with friends - but not before the family tried to capture the puppy who resisted being put on a leash..  Maybe it is still running there.  An uneventful ride merged into snow squalls as we hit the city.  

The outcome - Excellent.  I can remember family gatherings full of arguments and too much discussion and drinking, fights among siblings, too much of everything.  All the drama this time was provided by the dogs!